Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Conservative

(what? I was bored... With apologies to Dr. Suess...)

At the far end of town, where the grickle-grass grows,
and the wind smells slow and sour when it blows,
and no birds ever sing there, excepting old crows,
is the street of the Lifted Conservative.

And deep in the grickle-grass, some people say,
if you look deep enough you can still see today
where the Conservative once stood, just as long as he could,
'till somebody lifted the Conservative away.

What was the Conservative and why was it there,
and why was it lifted and taken somewhere,
from the far end of town where the grickle-grass grows?
The old Liberal still lives here: ask him, he knows.

You won't see the Liberal - don't knock on his door.
He stays in his lurkem on top of his store.
He lurks in his lurkem, cold under the roof,
where he makes his own clothes out of miff muffered moof.

And on special dank midnights in August he peeks
out of the shutters, and sometimes he speaks,
and tells how the Conservative was lifted away.
He'll tell you, perhaps, if you're willing to stay.

The Liberal grunts, "I will call you by whisper-ma-phone,
for the secrets I tell are for your ears alone."
Down slupps the whisper-ma-phone to your ear,
and the old Liberal's words are not very clear,
since they have to come down through a snergally hose
and he sounds as if he had smallish bees up his nose.

"Now I'll tell you," he says, with his teeth sounding gray,
"how the Conservative was lifted and taken away.
It all started way back,
such a long, long way back..."

“Way back in the days when the government was small,
and proper power plants in the winter would give warmth to us all,
and we thought global warming was the worst we could fear,
One morning I came across a place of good cheer!

“And I first saw the church! The magnificent church!
The bright colored stained glass of the magnificent church!
Filled with people, together, all singing in mirth!

“And next to the church I saw an elementary school,
Where they were conducting an election, (electing some fool)
The people stood in line waiting to cast in their vote,
To have their voice heard, no matter how remote!

But those churches, those churches, those magnificent churches!
All my life I'd been searching for a cause such as this!
Those people were happy in their ignorant bliss,
And I knew right away I had to put an end to all this.

I felt a great leaping of joy in my heart.
I knew just what I'd do! I unloaded my cart.
In no time at all I had made up a sign.
Then I wrote a few words on it, it was such a great line.
And with great skillful skill and with great speedy speed,
I took the great line – and planted a seed!

Not a seed for growing flowers or trees that bore fruit,
Not a seed for the birds or the grasses underfoot,
But a seed that would grow in the heart and the mind,
A seed that could take root in whomever I could find.

The instant I'd finished I heard a great SLAM!
I looked. I saw someone walking over. A man.
It was sort of a man. Describe him? That's hard.

He was shortish. And oldish. And brownish, and mossy.
And he spoke with a voice that was sharpish and bossy:
"Mister," he said, with a sawdusty sneeze,
"I am the Conservative. I speak for the free.

"I speak for the free, as anyone can
and I'm asking you sir, to think on your plan”
he was very upset as he shouted and puffed,
“What's on that sign there? It's just lies and fluff!”

"Look, Conservative," I said, "there's no cause for alarm.
I just made up a sign – I am doing no harm.
I'm being quite useful: I also am free.
And I'm free to stand here and say what I mean.

“Your church: I don't like it. It's fooling the people.
Full of lies. I don't trust it, from front step to steeple.
And the voting that's going on in the school over there?
Votes driven by lies and by lots of hot air.”

The Conservative said, "Sir, you are crazy and naive.
There's no one on Earth who would buy your fool's creed!"
But the very next minute I proved he was wrong.
For just at that minute a chap came along,
and he thought that the sign I had made was quite good!
And when he asked to join me I said that he should.

I laughed at the Conservative, "You poor stupid man!
Your old fashioned ways are no match for my plan!"
"I repeat!" cried the Conservative, "I speak for the free!"
"I'm busy," I told him, "shut up, if you please."

I rushed 'cross the road and in no time at all,
built a radiophone and then I put in a quick call.
I called all my cousins and uncles and aunts,
and I said, "Listen here! Here's a wonderful chance
for all of the Liberals to join in on my cause!
Get Soros and Buffett and MoveOn and Kos!”

And in no time at all, in the website we built,
the whole Liberal family was working full tilt.
We were all making blogs, just as busy as bees,
And we knew that we could bring Conservatives to their knees.

Then oh, baby oh! How our website did grow!
Now corrupting the media was going too slow!
So I quickly enlisted some poor college students,
They begin rushing stages, silencing Conservative stooges!
We were converting the people four times fast as before.
And that Conservative? HE didn't show up any more.
But the next week he knocked on my new office door.

He said, "I'm the Conservative, who speaks for the free,
who you seem to be deceiving as much as you please.
But I'm also in charge of the nearby election,
Which relies on accuracy and integrity, from every section.

“NOW thanks to your website and your ACORN deceit
Our ballot boxes are stuffed with votes of the deceased.
And our speakers have been run off of stages around the nation
And even Miss California can barely hold onto her station.

They loved living here but I can't let them stay.
They'll have to find freedom, and I hope that they may.
“Good luck, folks!” he cried, as he sent them away.
I, the Liberal, was sad as I watched them all go.
But now this was my government and it was time for it to grow!
Regardless of freedoms and churches, you know.

I meant no harm, I most truly did not.
But government had to get bigger, so bigger it got.
We biggered the welfare, we biggered the taxes,
We bought up the factories, which employed all the masses,
We wrote up a budget that sent money forth
to the south! To the east! To the west! To the north!
We sent everyone money (we just printed more)
Now that silencing Conservatives was no longer a chore.

Then AGAIN he came back. I was cleaning some pipes,
when that old nuisance Conservative came back with MORE gripes.
"I am the Conservative." he seemed very sad
He dabbed at his eyes with an old worn out rag
He sighed and he coughed, to clear out his throat
"Liberal!" he cried with a cruffulous croak,
"Liberal, you're making such a terrible mess!
You've defeated the church but replaced it with less!

"And so," said the Conservative
"Churchgoers can't live here, so I'm sending them off.
Where will they go? I don't hopefully know.
They may have to walk for a month or a year,
to escape from the persecution you've created around here!

"What's more," snapped the Conservative (his dander was up,)
"let me say a few words about ACORN and stuff.
Your methods and websites seem very fine
And your abolishment of guns even took away mine

You've left your own people without a place to go
When their lives are troubled and they have nothing to show
And what do you do with the liberties you had?
I'll show you, you dirty old Liberal! You'll see that it's bad!

“You're stuffing the ballot boxes for candidates you favor
You're taxing the product, then taxing the labor!
You're taxing the gas that gets you to work
You've run off the corporations, you're a serious jerk!
You think that the world outside your borders doesn't matter
And when you find out you're wrong, you'll be all the sadder.”

And then I got mad. I got terribly mad.
And I yelled at the Conservative, "Now listen here, dad!
All you do is yap-yap and say bad,bad,bad,bad!
Well I have my rights sir, and I'm telling you
I intend to go on doing just what I do!
And for your information, you Conservative, I'm figuring
on biggering, and biggering, and biggering, and BIGGERING.
Turning MORE work into taxes
So that we have even more money, all for the masses!

Then at that very instant we heard a loud cheer!
And I looked at the Conservative and gave him a sneer.
For I knew what it meant, that cheer from them all
Nuclear power had just been made fully against the law

But then a funny thing happened. The lights started to flicker
And soon it grew quiet, even the clatter of the stock ticker
We had done what we wanted, we had beaten the system
We had outdone the churches, we had silenced opposition
But now there was no work to be done, no corporations to pay
And the taxes had taxed all the taxpayers away

Enemies were at our borders, for we had shrunk the military
I asked my general how bad it was and he just said, “Very”
Our defenses were down, our economy was a wreck
It seems that our foes wanted more than respect.

The Conservative said nothing - just gave me a glance.
Just gave me a sad, sad backward glance
as he lifted himself by the seat of the pants.
And I'll never forget the grim look on his face
as he heisted himself and took leave of this place
through a hole in the fog without leaving a trace.

And all that the Conservative left here in this mess
was a small piece of paper, with the one word, "unless."
Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
I've worried and worried and worried away.
Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
I've worried about it with all of my heart.

"BUT," says the Liberal, "now that you're here,
the word of the Conservative seems perfectly clear!
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better - it's not.
So...CATCH!" cries the Liberal. He lets something fall.
“It's a copy of the Constitution. It's the last one of all!”

"You're in charge of the Constitution and the freedom it holds
And freedom can last, if you're good and you're bold
Take it with you and start up a new country near here,
And be wary of the Liberals, watch out for them, dear.
They mean well. They do. And they talk quite a lot
But think back on what we had here, and how we let it rot.
Grow a Republic that's free and that's safe from attack,
Then the Conservative and all of his friends just might come back!”

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